Stranger than Fiction

So I rented the movie Stranger than Fiction tonight not expecting much, and the reviews for the film were pretty lukewarm, so I really had very low expectations. I am not a big Will Farrel film. To my utter surprise, it was exactly the film I needed to watch at this time in my life, and probably because of life circumstances took on a deeper, stronger meaning than it probably did for many others. I understand completely where most of the reviewers were coming from. The film is compared to Charlie Kaufman films in that "it wishes it were but it ain't" type of way and well, it does overreach, no question about it. Kaufman as a writer has painted himself into a corner by being consistantly brilliant and the film does have an obvious bend to a Kaufman-esque style. That said, I found the story much more sublime than many reviewers did, and it made me think. Like the main character Harold Crick I guess I am on this search for meaning, and really, on a search for what I should give up for Lent. At first, I thought is was going to be four letter words.. you know.. love, hate, food, lust, etc. anything that might get in the way of living life fully and honestly. But that was too big of a goal, and it somehow didn't sit well. it finally occured to me tonight, and this film confirmed it in spades, the thing I need to give up is worry. Somewhere along the path I began to take on all sorts of pressure. While I don't want to sink into a space of being irresponsible (just not caring) I also have realized that I hold far too much tension in my life. The tension chases me around like a wounded dog looking for a home in the rain. I have been trying to flee it since forever. For me, the story of Harold Crick mirrors my own in a way. His life, riddled with mediocrity and metronome like regularity was destroying him, my life, addled with my own regrets and mistakes, my sense of constant movement not really helping me to face my issues. I don't think the movement is the problem - in fact I think it may ultiamtely be the solution, but I finally get the fact that I need to stop running from the one thing I cannot outrun - myself. I have a friend who talks about living in a state of constant adolecence, and well, maybe thats me. I never really ahd much of an adolecence, and I guess I want it back. Like the character Samuel L Jackson plays in the Ben Affleck pic Changing Lanes, I want my time back. Unfortunately that is not forthcoming. I can only look forward in this bizarre myopic view I've got, with visions of dark roads and songs sung at half light. I will die if I do not pursue my death with gusto, and it won't be a pretty sight. Will Farrels character sort of shows me the way, in his innocent honest reflection.The pool of chance disrupted by a rock skittering accross the surface bending the waves to thier steely resolve. My will, my desire to be free of patterns, systems and possessions must be tempred with some responsible action and reality, whatever that means.

I am wearing some old worn shoes, though I haven't heard the words yet.

But I'm listening.

Lord, please lead me.

One Day This Life Will Be Over

One day this life will be over
all those memories you had
One day this life will close it’s curtain
Won’t that day seem sad

One day this life it’s gonna stop
Like a wave crashing to shore
One day this life is going to wash away
won’t see your footprints no more

All those memories
Where did they go?
All those memories
What was to show?
All those memories
Lord please above
All those memories
Who did you love?

One day this life will be over
This pain it will go
One day this world will come tumbling
Like a new fallen snow

Angels eyes will gaze
At this tremendous haze
I will wonder what I did
I will wonder why I didn’t

One day this life will be something
That I can’t describe
One day this life will be over
but hope it won’t die

All those memories
Where did they go?
All those memories
What was to show?
All those memories
Lord please above
All those memories
Who did you love?

One day this life will be over
That time is not now
I want to fall in love with you again
But I can’t recall how

© Scott McLain 2007

Download the song HERE if you would like to hear it.

meaningless is as meaningless does

so I've decided that life is pretty meaningless. as meaningless goes, anyway. Please note that I didn't say "hopeless" which is an entirely different matter, but it is pretty much an empty shell. This life's only real meaning seems to reside in the fact that we exist, and that there is something outside of ourselves to pursue. Which may ultimately negate my statement, but bear with me on this. It's not as if we are born with meaningful duties or ideas to contribute. If we do manage to accomplish something deemed important or we do contribute something to society at large we only gather meaning in others perception of what we are doing/what we've done/what we are going to do. In other words - it takes another entity to give us meaning. If we do not value that other entity, be it God or the opinion of society at large, then our lives becomes a mash of endlessly meaningless journeys and experiences. I have a difficult time believing that the experiences themselves are meaningful, although probably 6 months ago I would have said that the very experience of living has meaning. It's ironic, really, that I have been thinking about these things, because of the nature of the film me, Alan and Ben are working on together, which addresses this very topic. We always tend to work through our emotional/spiritual state in our artistic visions. I guess I am working through mine.

I recently wrote a song while in a very melancholy mood - I have them often and usually with great artistic result - and it addresses the utterly pervasive shortness of life - it is a wisp and a flash. The more clearly I have comprehended this, the more utterly meaningless everything I do becomes. I can;t remember what movie it's from, but there is a film where the main character ultimately stops walking and declares that he does so because there is simply no reason to move anymore. I remember that scene but I can't remember what film it's in, but that idea moved me profoundly - that at some point life takes on this sort of dull luster, and it's mostly brought on by loneliness. I think that is the crux of feeling meaningless, although on a higher philosophical level it's still true, the concept I've outlined here of the general meaninglessness of life takes on a different shape when other people are involved. When you are loved, cared for and depended upon. If you have a child, how utterly wrong would it be to treat the child as something worthless or meaningless? Unfortunately, far too many people do exactly that. Children are an imposition and a burden to their lives, when in fact they only have themselves to blame for having children in the first place. A bitter pill to swallow, yes, and there are few who can claim exemptions to that statement. But I digress. In my moment of unabashed meaninglessness, loneliness and regret for time and finances better spent maybe I can find some smidgen of relief in knowing that at least I am surrounded by really wonderful, caring people who bring hope and yes, meaning to my world. It's doesn't mean I don't feel terribly lonely, or at times incredibly anti-social as a result, but it does mean that I have someplace to go, and people to go to. In the absence of these people (family and friends), it would be pretty bleak. Even still, in the grand scope of human history - in history itself, life seems to bear little meaning to the existence of the universe. I did a little research on the history of the past 100 years and I found that somewhere north of 100 million people died from 2 world wars and the black plague alone. Can you imagine? That's not even natural deaths, ones perpetrated by individual actions (like the random dictator but no war), natural disasters (Tsunami anyone? that was 250,000 right there) and accidents (airplane crashes etc) total it all up and it's a wonder that anyone is still left! But such is the population boom that has occurred on planet earth in the past century and in many parts of the world, the hugely successful medical advances that have brought down the infant mortality rate. I was contemplating all of this, and in the face of it life just seems utterly futile. Why wake up at all? I had a friend who gave me this great fridge magnet and the more I see it, the more true it is: "Things to Do Today - Get Up. Survive. Go To Bed." It's all the stuff we try to fill our days up, with jobs, the shopping, the stuff... it's everything we can do to try to create in our minds some reason for existing. The reality is if there is no God, then there is no reason. Just exist. If there is a God, then there is ultimately meaning to our futile, empty little lives. If only to raise and love a child, if only to give a cup of water to a person who is thirsty, if only write a poem or a song that moves someones heart. Maybe that's enough. I'm still thinking about it.

It's a wonderful life George.

It's a wonderful life.